Until recently, I did not know what people were talking about when they told me I needed to use boundaries. People would say things like, “you need to maintain your boundaries” and “sounds like there are some problems with boundaries” and “establish some boundaries” and so on and so forth.
I listened to what people told me; I did not understand; and I went about my “perfectly normal” existence thinking about boundaries but not really understanding what I needed to do. I have thought long and hard about boundaries – literally for years, years! – and finally, after encountering all of the problems with not understanding boundaries, it all clicked for me.
This post will cover a few things that I have come to understand about boundaries in the hopes that it will help other people:
- What are boundaries?
- Why do we care about boundaries?
- Appropriate and inappropriate boundaries
- How to establish boundaries
- How to maintain boundaries
- How to be respectful of other people’s boundaries
- What to do if someone cannot respect your boundaries
What are boundaries?
I think of boundaries as explicitly communicated needs that one person shares to another person. These are rules that we have for helping other people do the things (or not do the things) that we find upsetting.
Some examples of communicating and maintaining boundaries are:
- “I don’t like when I’m touched by other men, please refrain from touching me” – when a man touches you
- “I need to be left alone in my room while I’m working, if the door is closed, please do not enter my room unless it’s an emergency.” – communicated to your partner when she interrupts you working
- “Please don’t call me and talk to me about that topic in that way, it makes me upset to hear about things that are that dark and depressing.” – when your dad is talking to you on the phone and you are conversating about a sensitive topic for them
I want to disambiguate something that I did not understand in regards to boundaries that you might also find helpful: boundaries can be boundaries and something else as well. Boundaries can be rules too. Boundaries can be physical or non-physical. Boundaries can be limits and can be preferences. Boundaries can be emotional.
Boundaries can also be conditional – “don’t be noisy after 9pm” incorporates a condition – the time constraint – to the boundary.
Why do we care about boundaries?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you – The Golden Rule
We’re all pretty aware of the Golden Rule: it encourages people to be excellent to each other is and easy to follow and understand. However, not everybody likes the same things. In cases where people don’t like the same thing, it’s important to respect our differences and accommodate the needs and desires of other people – this is where boundaries come in. We should also take into consideration the negative form of the Golden rule:
Do not do things to others that you do not want done to yourself
For most people, this is an easy thing to understand, “do no harm” for most people falls under this changed version of the Golden Rule. In observing this transformation of the Golden Rule, I’m reminded that there are different degrees to which people want things. For example, some people have “thick skin” and want aggressive, challenging feedback while other people do not. Giving hard feedback to a highly sensitive person can be devastating and can cause real and prolonged harm to them such as depression and other mental health problems.
In understanding each other we need to both be considerate of the things people want, the things we want, and the degree that we all want these things. If you don’t want harsh feedback from other people, you can set a boundary, “Be GENTLE in your feedback because I’m more sensitive than other people.”
If the person you are communicating that feedback to is not understanding the feedback, you should clarify with an example:
“When you simply tell me that my makeup is bad, it really hurts my feelings because I hold your opinion in high esteem. It’s more helpful if you tell me what I need to fix to make it better instead of passing judgement.”
Or:
“Let’s not talk about my makeup anymore.”
Building on this, we should care about our own boundaries because other people may not be aware of the things that you need and the degree to which you need it. If you are having issues in your interactions with another individual, it is your responsibility to establish and maintain a boundary with them – but this is only to a point. We will talk later about what to do if you are having trouble maintaining boundaries with a specific individual because this is its own special thing.
Appropriate and inappropriate boundaries
In many cases, setting a boundary is the right thing to do but there are some boundaries that are a bit excessive or too ambiguous to expect other people to uphold.
An example of an inappropriate “boundary” would be “everybody has to give me all their money.” This is not a boundary; this is not an appropriate boundary; this is just a bad rule and a grift. Nope nope nope.
Another example of a boundary would be something that is difficult for other people to understand or uphold, “when I think of the color red, if someone is near me and is looking at me, it hurts me, so please don’t look at me when I’m thinking of red – if I am thinking of blue, everybody has to look at me” would be inappropriate because nobody can know what you’re thinking.
Certain boundaries require additional context to be reasonable and applicable. A great example of this is “when you’re at my house, you take your shoes off when you come inside” – this is a fine rule for if it’s your home but if it’s another person’s home, you would be violating an understanding of sensible boundaries by trying to tell them how to live in their own home.
I’ll wrap up appropriate and inappropriate boundaries with a final example that I feel is right in-between.
My neighbor told me to not allow my door to slam when it closes. Our building has these strong-springed doors that slam if you don’t carefully close them. On the one hand, this is a bit excessive to ask and expect everyone to do and it requires additional effort in my own home. However, I understand her desire to avoid creating disruptions in her own home – so I do my best to gently close it.
How to establish boundaries
By now, this should be pretty easy and sensible for you to understand. To establish boundaries, you tell someone what you want. To establish a boundary, you figure out what you need and then communicate that need, that’s all there is to it.
It can be helpful when communicating boundaries to include the reason that those boundaries exist. “Don’t leave your dishes in the sink because I can’t use the sink when there are dishes in it without cleaning your dishes.” is better than “Don’t leave the kitchen messy.”
I’ll add that you should tell people as soon as possible if you have boundaries that need to be met. For example, if you are moving in with roommates and you need quiet time at night, let them know before you move in instead of later on.
You can systematize boundaries into documents to save yourself time and prevent difficult conversations with other people. For example, I have a roommate ryder that helps me live more comfortably and peacefully with other people. Note that I’m also doing something else while communicating my boundaries in my example – I’m also giving those less important boundaries a lower valence. Having too many boundaries can be difficult for other people to accommodate, so it is a good idea to signal when something is less important.
How to maintain boundaries
As with establishing boundaries, I hope that you get the gist of what we’re talking about here: to maintain boundaries, you let people know when they have violated a boundary that you have set.
When maintaining boundaries, search within yourself and empathize that the other person may have misunderstood your boundary – getting angry while maintaining your boundaries may make it more difficult to communicate with the other person. After you have ensured you are not angry, think about what the other person did not understand about your boundary and then clarify the boundary for them.
How to be respectful of other people’s boundaries
As you may have guessed, to respect other people’s boundaries, listen to people when they communicate their needs and then do what they say regarding their boundaries.
The hardest part of being respectful of other people’s boundaries is understanding when something is a boundary. Pay attention to what people say regarding their personal preference and in your mind make a mental note of boundaries for specific individuals. Something helpful for me has been paying attention to key words that people use when communicating their boundaries like “please don’t” or “when you” or “can you please” and “I don’t like it when”.
Sometimes, people have a hard time communicating their boundaries so you can also solicit their boundaries and preferences from them when you are having trouble understanding what they want. Some examples of this:
“Is it ok if I leave the boxes over here until they’re ready to recycle?”
“Is it ok if I touch you, there’s something on your back that is bugging me.”
“Can I eat your leftovers?”
“How do you want for me to do this?”
In closing out here, I want to reinforce that you should take responsibility for UNDERSTANDING other people’s boundaries so that you don’t violate them. Be sure to seek clarity if you don’t understand a boundary or if you’re like me and have trouble respecting other people’s boundaries without understanding why those boundaries are there.
What to do when someone persistently cannot respect your boundaries
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
When someone consistently is challenging your boundaries, you will need to work towards communicating the consequences of violating your boundaries and then will have to deliver the consequences and / or establish new boundaries. This is the most difficult aspect of boundaries. We all need to protect ourselves when our boundaries (such as needing certain types and degrees of independence) are persistently violated by those around us.
First, before you start jumping to consequences, you should ensure that your boundary is understood. Let’s consider the made up boundary – I want to emphasize this is fabricated and not about you:
“Please don’t enter my room when I’m working unless it’s an emergency”
Oftentimes a person does not understand your boundary – rephrase it and solicit clarification on their understand to make sure your boundary is understood again, I want to emphasize this is fabricated and not about you.
“Please don’t enter my room when I’m working unless it’s an emergency. When my door is closed, that is what indicates that I’m working. An emergency would be something like a fire in the living room. You getting an idea is not an emergency.”
Next, explain why you have that boundary, I want to emphasize this is fabricated and not about you:
“I have this rule because when you enter my room, I lose my work and I have to start over.”
SO, let’s say – totally hypothetical – that you have for weeks and months been communicating, revising for clarity, and then further explaining the same boundary with an individual and they are persistently violating your boundary. What do you do?
You then must move to communicating consequences for violating that boundary. “If you can’t respect my boundaries, I’m not sure this relationship is going to work out.”
And then, if in spite of being aware of the consequences, having had the boundary clearly communicated, and then having your boundary violated one too many times – you must deliver the consequence:
“We have to break up because you can’t respect my boundaries.”
This is really difficult to have happen but we all need to establish, respect, and maintain our boundaries.
In other cases, you can also establish or modify your boundaries, I want to emphasize this is fabricated and not about you:
“Hey, the manner in which you are communicating with me is really not constructive or helpful for either of us – for my own sanity, I’m going to have to mute and block you for the time being.”
Setting a new boundary, sometimes a physical one, is the best way forward when your boundaries are violated.